Have you ever gotten pulled down by an undertow? When I was in Jr. High there was a school trip to the coast and we got to get in the ocean (I have a feeling the liability of that scenario speaks to my age).

I remember getting pulled under and literally rolled end over end for what felt like an eternity before I pulled myself out of it and stumbled out of the shallows.

I was terrified. I can still remember what it felt like for that brief second to think that I might not come up for air.

What was most bizarre to me was the fact that no one else kicking around in the waves or hanging out on the shore seemed to notice. I mean, my hair was a mess but otherwise I looked like anyone else who’d been swimming around in the ocean.

In my young teenage brain I wanted to scream, “I almost died!” But of course I didn’t die, and I eventually went back in the water but 24 years later it’s still a traumatic memory.

I still remember the sand and shells stuck to my scalp for days afterwards. I remember finally breaking the surface for air, gasping & sputtering. I remember how bad the salt water stung my nostrils & the chills that consumed me as I sat on the sand waiting to feel like I could walk again.

Tomorrow is James’s sixth birthday. He spent 8 1/2 months in my belly & 47 minutes on this earth. Six years later all of those memories are still so vivid. I remember the joy, the love, the agonizing heartbreak, the painful hope & finally the overwhelming numbness and grief.

Of course I survived. I’m essentially back on the shore with crazy hair, but anyone walking by would just see a scatterbrained woman walking around like she lost her keys or something. My insides are screaming, “I lost my baby!” How can the world just keep moving forward like nothing happened…

I remember the hospital smells, the weird taste in my mouth from the epidural and the insane cold temperatures in our room. I remember being so, so exhausted but fighting to stay awake because this was all the time I would get to spend with my son. I remember being so glad we got to share those hours with family and also kind of wishing everyone would go away and leave us alone with our boy.

That undertow is pulling me u see and rolling me end over end this week. So if you’re around me when I’m being short tempered, please be patient with me (and maybe don’t point it out). I tend to smile when I’m talking about painful things and I work hard trying to make sure other people aren’t uncomfortable around me, but not this weekend, not tomorrow.

Tomorrow is James’s Birthday and I want you to know. Remember that he was here & be angry with me that he didn’t get to stay. We can smile through the painful things again next week.