Did you know that peace technically cannot exist without grief or conflict? It’s true. In the same way that darkness does not exist without light. The very definition of peace is ‘freedom from disturbance’.
Last fall I was having a really hard time emotionally. Spiritually I was throwing my hands up at God and screaming “What is it that you want me to do?” I couldn’t figure out what the next step was for Jason and I in our efforts to have a family. I love owning my own business and especially the business that I have. I am surrounded with creative energy - It’s fantastic! Still - I left the steady paycheck and actual vacation time for flexibility. Flexibility that I wanted because I was going to be raising a child.
I remember there was this week that I kept finding myself saying it out loud; “I just want to know what it is that I’m supposed to be doing.” It was during that time, over a period of about a week that I felt in my bones that God was telling me I was already doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. I felt His peace. I knew everything was going to be ok. I still wasn't sure exactly what I was doing but I was confident that as long as I kept listening to His urgings He was going to work everything out eventually.
On December 28th my husband and I came home from a beach trip and I’d been horribly carsick the entire ride home. Just to rule it out, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. Now as someone who’s already been pregnant 4 times without a baby at home, I was remarkably calm. I remembered what I heard God saying in the fall and I just knew that this baby was the promise I’d been waiting on.
In January when I was choosing my ‘focus word’ - as so many of us do - I was feeling such a sense of peace and I knew it was coming directly from God. So that was my word. I wrote it in my journal, I stamped it on a bracelet and mid-january I even bought a batch of peace stone jasper to create a special necklace design.
I went into my 8 week appointment full of hope and excitement. As soon as I had that ultrasound photo I was going to tell my whole family. So when the technician told me the baby was measuring small I was devastated. For many women that wouldn’t be a big deal - probably just had the dates wrong, right? But I knew I was 8 weeks pregnant, not 6. A week later we went for another scan and sure enough the baby had grown a full week’s worth, so I started to think that it was all going to be ok. That is the only ultrasound photo I have of Flicker. We started calling him/her Flicker because when it’s too early to hear a heartbeat, cardiac activity is just flickers on the ultrasound. The next week when I was going back for what we thought would be the appointment where I became a normal pregnant woman, I’d started spotting. That was February 10th. I lost the baby at home three days before Valentine’s Day.
I took an entire week off work then told myself I just had to jump back on the horse. After all, I had a pretty successful business to work on. This was going to be our best year yet…..
Now I am just one of many small business owners looking down the barrel of COVID-19 and doing everything I can to keep my business (which includes the business of nearly 60 others) running until we come out on the other side of this. Talk about feeling a weight on your shoulders!
So last week I was putting things away at my jewelry desk and came across the bag of peace stone jasper. I laughed out loud. I still trust that God has got this, and I know that even if I’m not blessed with children in this lifetime I have a houseful waiting for me in heaven that I get to love for eternity. But ya’ll - peace? I’ve been struggling with that one.
Of course, I’m sure that’s exactly why it was my focus word.
Because the english word peace means freedom from disturbance, but I’m realizing that the word God was giving me was ‘Shalom’ - the Hebrew word for peace that denotes a sense of well-being and security that has nothing to do with circumstances and everything to do with the God who created us and holds us in the palm of his hand.
I’m writing this because I just need to get it out. It helps me focus. My grief isn’t special, it’s just mine. I have many other friends and sisters in faith who have lost their babies this year. Many of them are suffering more pain than I can even imagine over their losses. And I know that my business is still open and we will make it, which is more than many can say right now.
We are all restless, but we can have God’s peace if we just stay open to it. Let’s find ways to empathize with one another. Your kindness could be the thing that makes someone else’s day more bearable. Everyone is just doing the best they can. Showing compassion might be the very thing that gives you peace right now. It’s not important to be right, it’s important to experience love and kindness.
Peace be with you,
Danielle
