I gritted my teeth as I raised my arms above my head and threw the black trash bag to the ground. I heard the shattering of clay and watched the bag break to release a few larger pieces of the pot. The emotional release brought me to tears. I'd been waiting six weeks to break something.
Let me rewind for you. While I was pregnant with James I read a book called "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. It was good to read someone else's story and be able to say 'yes, that's exactly how it feels'. After James was born I had a devotional, "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" that my cousin had given to me. It was another great book with stories I needed to hear and more soul screams of "Exactly!" It has always been helpful for me to have a book or devotional to help focus me in my quiet time and help me read my bible with purpose. So I did some digging and found that Angie Smith has written more books and bible studies since I Will Carry You. I decided that Mended would be a good one for me. I read the introduction and the first chapter and then set it aside. She suggests breaking a piece of pottery and gluing it back together. I wanted to do that before I got started on the book and after a couple of conversations I convinced my mom and two of my sisters to do it with me. We went for breakfast and then to Hobby Lobby with 40% off coupons in search of things to break.
We spent the afternoon around my moms kitchen table with glue guns and broken pottery listening to music, making observations (and a few jokes) about how our pieces were like us and of course crying. As I got closer to finishing my pot I made the observation that the point of impact where my piece was the most broken and impossible to completely put back together was the most beautiful part of the pot. As I said it out loud tears started to pour down my face and there was no stopping them. I didn't even realize how much I was crying at first. I burned myself pretty badly with the glue gun and realized that I'd done as much repair as I could. I was finished trying to put the pot back together.
I'm so broken right now. I looked forward to this season as one of the happiest and most beautiful ones of our life together. I planned to take an extended maternity leave so I could soak up the hours with our little one. I should have been planning a nursery, not a memorial garden. I should be deciding what adorable onesie James is going to wear today, not picking out planters for his fountain. This, the point of impact, was supposed to be a beautiful and happy time. Now it is shattered, and I've done the best I can to put it back together, but I can't. Now I have to trust God to spill out through the cracks and show me how it can still be used for His glory.
I know He will. I know we will be better people for having walked through this season with Him by our sides. He will help us heal. We will be mended.