Glimmering all over the place...

I was standing taller, smiling so much more, noticing things that I hadn’t taken the time to notice in a very long time and it all started with putting ribbons in my hair!

It started back in April. I’d read an article about “Glimmers” a term coined by licensed clinical social worker Deb Dana. Glimmers are the opposite of Triggers. Where Triggers are places, circumstances or people that can bring on a negative or unwanted reaction - usually due to a trauma in someone’s past - a Glimmer is something that produces a micro dose of joy. It might be snuggling with your pet, It may be seeing a butterfly, or cardinal that reminds you of a loved one. It could be certain colors that elicit a joyful emotion for you.

This prompted a series of choices for me this Spring that ended with a daily decision to chase after joy. I wrote a full length article about this experience for the Summer Volume of The Turquoise Iris Journal!

Ultimately though, my new collection of Hair Glimmers was born out of this experience. the past few months I’ve been releasing these fun hair accessories in a variety of colorways using the artisan ribbons and fibers from my work with fiber art, as well as the stones and wire wrapping I use in my jewelry work! I absolutely love creating this color collections, but I want to do more with them. I don’t only want to sell an accessory, I want to help other chase after joy everyday! So I’ve created a subscription box that is built around this idea.

Each month subscribers will not only recieve a Deluxe Hair Glimmer in that month’s colorway along with an exclusive add-on accessory only available to subscribers, but they will also recieve a curated collection of other small products, journal prompts, playlists and more to help them create an environemnt for themselves that allows them to find joy every single day, no matter the circumstances they find themselves in!

I hope these boxes will serve to help us remember that we can choose joy everyday, and in doing so we can become a bright spot - a glimmer - for other people!

To grab your own glimmer Box Subscription just click the button below. Let’s chase after joy and #beaglimmer!

My Broken, Bleeding Heart

Life is muddy isn’t it? You agree with this person, and you agree with that person, but they hate each other. They don’t know each other, but they hate each other. People want you to check a box, but you don’t live in boxes. I don’t either.

We are constantly being faced with division on social media, the internet, news outlets. Of course we are spending less time together in an effort to keep each other and ourselves safe during this pandemic, so it’s easy to forget that there are loads of people out there, just like us, who simply want what’s best for all of us.

I think that because all we are seeing right now is messages of US and THEM, we forget that we are ALL human. Perhaps it’s these rose colored glasses but I believe that given the opportunity for meaningful conversation we would discover that 90% of the people agree on 75% of the things. The 25% we can’t agree on is usually about HOW things should be done. The 10% of the people, well…

I believe that solutions, lasting solutions, only come when people are willing to actually listen to others with an open mind. Listening to someone while mentally preparing your argument is not actually listening.

Hate is never the answer. Hate is always the problem.

We need to stop having conversations as labels and start having conversations as human beings.

I’ve been called lots of things over the years. One of the ones that has stuck with me is “bleeding heart liberal”. The person who used it didn’t know me. They didn’t know that I’m actually a bleeding heart moderate 😜. They also intended it as an insult, but it didn’t hurt my feelings.

I’ve been ‘taken for a ride’ plenty of times over the years. I’ve chosen not to make waves because I could understand someone’s point of view, even when I didn’t agree with something. I’ve experienced manipulation by people I considered friends and I know that it is likely to happen again in the future.

I know that when I get to heaven I will discover I have been wrong about many, many things. (You will too, in case you are under some other impression.)So, how do you reconcile making the best choice you can, with knowing that you are inevitably going to be wrong sometimes?

Love is always the answer. Compassion is always the answer. Empathy is always the answer.

If I’m wrong because I give people the benefit of the doubt…

If I’m wrong for not holding people to a standard I’m unsure of…

If I’m wrong because I’m too easy on people…

If I’m wrong because I let people take advantage of me…

If I’m wrong for allowing my heart to “bleed” for people who are hurting, for people who are less fortunate, for people who don’t have the love I’m blessed to have…

Then I’m wrong, and I can accept that. I will continue to be a bleeding heart.

Right now though, my bleeding heart is broken. All of the hate out in the world has been weighing heavy on me and for fear or being misunderstood or saying the wrong thing, I’ve been holding a lot back.

This canvas really helped me process all of that frustration & sadness. It also brought me hope and joy.

It actually started as another painting entirely. It was a group of diverse women in every shape color and size. I was going to name it ‘Together’. In my frustration I decided that was not a realistic image. In fact it probably wasn’t even something to aspire too. After all, there are too many difficult issues to overcome to pretend we can just lock arms and sing kumbaya.

I started to scrape over the faces with black paint. Then I added large swashes of red and blue everywhere, muddying with one another and the black beneath.

Then, I began to add points of white. I added some brighter variations of red and blue. Then we had teal and pinks. I even added shades of purple. That’s when my intuitive process stalled for a few days.

I stared at the canvas and at first I simply saw chaos. So, I added some light. I brought entire sections of the piece together with a golden patina technique I learned from The Turquoise Iris.

Finally, I grabbed my favorite shade of purple. The purple that I’ve always felt best represented my own standing in the political spectrum. I knew the message I wanted this piece to send. I knew that even in chaos, this was beautiful.

Y’all.

Let’s just love each other.

In its time...

In the fall of 2017 I spilled a container of beads. Sounds simple, but it ended up being pretty significant to me. You can read the original blog post I wrote HERE if you would like. The gist though, is that I had a large container that held all of my separate “seasons” for the Tree of Life jewelry I make and during a Holiday Fair I managed to drop the contents all over the floor. There was no separating things. All of the beads were gathered into one large bag in the clean up and when it was over I couldn’t help but notice how pretty the mixture was!

Inspired by Ecclesiasties chapter three I create a new tree design and named it every season. I wear those earrings like 75% of the time. I really love them and it’s always been a great symbol for me, of how no matter how bad things get, they can be really great too. It’s the cycle of all of it that makes life meaningful and wonderful.

Now its 2020 and when I reread that blog post last week I laughed out loud and thinking to myself, “I’m so glad that the grieving woman who wrote that didn’t know what the future held.” She would have been so discouraged to know that after two and a half years she would have two more babies in heaven and would still be waiting for so many things.

I wasn’t laughing out of bitterness (at least not entirely) but because how do you explain that while it’s been disheartening, it’s also been full of significance. The lessons I’ve learned, the moments of clarity God has given me, and the hard things I’ve done since then have all been so meaningful. Even this pandemic that we are currently living through has taught me more than I could’ve imagined.

Ecclesiaties 3:11 says “He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

I still have hope for a family of my own, for living children here on earth, so that my husband and I can have the joy of being parents this side of heaven. While I often get very discouraged that we are still waiting after all this time, I know that when it happens - it’s going to be so much more beautiful that I can fathom.

I don’t know what you’re waiting on, but please don’t lose hope.

In its time.

I’ve added a new bracelet to my Every Season Collection inspired by Ecclesiates 3:11. You can find it here in my shop.

Make it stop!

Have you ever been around a young child when they get upset over something and start begging their mom or dad to “make it stop”? It’s pitiful isn’t it? It’ll break your heart sometimes.

The truth is I get that way A LOT. I’ll get emotionally overwhelmed and I look at Jason and say “we have to stop talking about this, I literally can’t think about it anymore.” And now there’e this pandemic! It’s like the hits just keep coming and we don’t even have time to stand up in between. Do you get that way sometimes? Feeling like you just can’t catch a break?

I think as Christians it’s important to remember that Christ, while perfect, was also human. God isn’t a puppet master. He sent his son (parents let that sink in) to die for us. He listened to him beg for another way. The night before his crucifixion Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane, "Oh My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me". He knew fear. When he walked out and found his closest friends couldn’t even stay awake to support Him, He said, “couldn’t you stay awake with me for one hour?” He knew frustration. Jesus knew isolation and loneliness more than we can ever comprehend.

I have spent a lot of time begging God to please, please not make me go through this. THIS - being any number of difficult things that I’ve dealt with in the past, and I know that I will continue to beg Him to “let this cup pass from me”.

But after Jesus vented his frustration and spent more time in prayer, He accepted what He had to do, because then He said, "if this cup cannot pass away from me unless I drink it, Your will be done."

Obviously we are NOT Jesus, not even close. I still think it helps to understand that He knows exactly what we are going through. He has felt it, experienced it, and gave us a model of the best way to work through these hard things that we have to do in life. Vent to trusted friends, pray to our God & regroup with focus on doing what is right and necessary to get through the next thing.

It’s Palm Sunday this weekend and we are entering Holy Week isolated from one another. It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to be frustrated and scared with all that is happening in the world. Find a trusted friend and vent it out. Write it down or scream it at your steering wheel if that’s what it takes. Then head to your Gethsemane. Find a quiet place to be with God and let him help you refocus.

It’s not always easy to figure out what the next best step is, and sometimes when we figure it out we aren’t going to like it. But ya’ll - we can get through it.

---

SO, YEAH. I wrote this Thursday (4/2) planning to share it on Friday(4/3). Then the Governor extended the closing of non-essential businesses to include mine and I got a little frantic. I vented to my husband. I said a prayer, and I’ve regrouped. Who knew I would need my own advice so soon! After today our store will be 100% online until the governor gives us permission to reopen. It’s a new reality for most of us, but my business isn’t the only one. During this time if you are still financially able to support your favorite local businesses please look to see how you can do that online. They are probably announcing all of their changes on Facebook and their websites for you and they need you now more than ever! As always thanks for your support and remember to be nice! Try to make someone’s day today.

Peace be with you...

Did you know that peace technically cannot exist without grief or conflict? It’s true. In the same way that darkness does not exist without light. The very definition of peace is ‘freedom from disturbance’.

Last fall I was having a really hard time emotionally. Spiritually I was throwing my hands up at God and screaming “What is it that you want me to do?” I couldn’t figure out what the next step was for Jason and I in our efforts to have a family. I love owning my own business and especially the business that I have. I am surrounded with creative energy - It’s fantastic! Still - I left the steady paycheck and actual vacation time for flexibility. Flexibility that I wanted because I was going to be raising a child.

I remember there was this week that I kept finding myself saying it out loud; “I just want to know what it is that I’m supposed to be doing.” It was during that time, over a period of about a week that I felt in my bones that God was telling me I was already doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. I felt His peace. I knew everything was going to be ok. I still wasn't sure exactly what I was doing but I was confident that as long as I kept listening to His urgings He was going to work everything out eventually.

On December 28th my husband and I came home from a beach trip and I’d been horribly carsick the entire ride home. Just to rule it out, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. Now as someone who’s already been pregnant 4 times without a baby at home, I was remarkably calm. I remembered what I heard God saying in the fall and I just knew that this baby was the promise I’d been waiting on.

In January when I was choosing my ‘focus word’ - as so many of us do - I was feeling such a sense of peace and I knew it was coming directly from God. So that was my word. I wrote it in my journal, I stamped it on a bracelet and mid-january I even bought a batch of peace stone jasper to create a special necklace design.

I went into my 8 week appointment full of hope and excitement. As soon as I had that ultrasound photo I was going to tell my whole family. So when the technician told me the baby was measuring small I was devastated. For many women that wouldn’t be a big deal - probably just had the dates wrong, right? But I knew I was 8 weeks pregnant, not 6. A week later we went for another scan and sure enough the baby had grown a full week’s worth, so I started to think that it was all going to be ok. That is the only ultrasound photo I have of Flicker. We started calling him/her Flicker because when it’s too early to hear a heartbeat, cardiac activity is just flickers on the ultrasound. The next week when I was going back for what we thought would be the appointment where I became a normal pregnant woman, I’d started spotting. That was February 10th. I lost the baby at home three days before Valentine’s Day.

I took an entire week off work then told myself I just had to jump back on the horse. After all, I had a pretty successful business to work on. This was going to be our best year yet…..

Now I am just one of many small business owners looking down the barrel of COVID-19 and doing everything I can to keep my business (which includes the business of nearly 60 others) running until we come out on the other side of this. Talk about feeling a weight on your shoulders!

So last week I was putting things away at my jewelry desk and came across the bag of peace stone jasper. I laughed out loud. I still trust that God has got this, and I know that even if I’m not blessed with children in this lifetime I have a houseful waiting for me in heaven that I get to love for eternity. But ya’ll - peace? I’ve been struggling with that one.

Of course, I’m sure that’s exactly why it was my focus word.

Because the english word peace means freedom from disturbance, but I’m realizing that the word God was giving me was ‘Shalom’ - the Hebrew word for peace that denotes a sense of well-being and security that has nothing to do with circumstances and everything to do with the God who created us and holds us in the palm of his hand.

I’m writing this because I just need to get it out. It helps me focus. My grief isn’t special, it’s just mine. I have many other friends and sisters in faith who have lost their babies this year. Many of them are suffering more pain than I can even imagine over their losses. And I know that my business is still open and we will make it, which is more than many can say right now.

We are all restless, but we can have God’s peace if we just stay open to it. Let’s find ways to empathize with one another. Your kindness could be the thing that makes someone else’s day more bearable. Everyone is just doing the best they can. Showing compassion might be the very thing that gives you peace right now. It’s not important to be right, it’s important to experience love and kindness.

Peace be with you,

Danielle

Furniture Painting

I have been a furniture painting machine lately. Of course, it hasn't been my furniture, but whatevs...

Within the las 6 or seven months, my parents and 2 of my sisters have moved into new house. Moving brings with it the desire for new things! Of course, that can cost a pretty penny. The solution was to simple paint items that they already had or were able to obtain for cheap (or free!)

I love a good creative project, so when they started asking me about helping them out with the painting my answer was a resounding YES!

I feel the need to preface these photos with - I'm no paint expert! Nearly everything I know I learned from my friends Jim & Nancy with 292 Sparcon at Home. They carry the Fusion Mineral Paints line as well as General Finishes and I've fallen in love with using them. If you are interested in doing some painting of your own and have questions, give them a shout! I know they'd be happy to explain the products and provide some guidance.

One thing that I can say with some authority is - You simply have to stop being afraid. It's just paint. Research your furniture to make sure you aren't depreciating the value of an antique. Other than that, your mistakes can be fixed. If not by you, then by a professional. 

All that being said, here are the before & afters of our recent projects!

This past weekend I drove down to Summerville to visit my sister Megan & we painted that first dresser. It was such a neat piece of furniture. The texture of the pieces had so much character, it was easy to put her personality into it.

Next you can see the furniture I painted for my mom's new office! Her move from the midlands to the upstate meant that she would now be working from home. So she went looking for some fun office furniture. Her desk is a gorgeous table she ordered online & we gave this dresser & TV Console a makeover so she could use them for storage and display! I'm working from most recent to least recent and you can see that the before/after quality shows I didn't initially realize I was going to blog about it!

This last group is my sister Jodi's Bedroom furniture. We did some stencil detailing on the tops of the chest and nightstands. These were some really inexpensive pieces she got a while back that just needed some TLC and a color refresh to match her new bedroom.

Jodi picked out some chalk paint from Lowe's, but I purchased Fusion Paint for my Mom & Megan's pieces. I really like working with it. I even had a disastrous spill once I was finished with that TV Console and I was able to clean it up with soap & water! 

I'm ready to paint my bedroom suit next! I've already purchased the paint, now I just have to clean the room out real good and find a weekend to do it! 

How about you? Inspired to take on any furniture make-over projects? Tell me about it in the comments! 

MADE

Have you ever sat in a room in your house and thought to yourself, 'This room just isn't working for me. It doesn't seem like anything fits.' But when you start trying to figure out what to move, you find you like it all?

This is exactly what was happening with me, only it wasn't a room in my house. For a while now I've been feeling like my business just wasn't working for me. I felt like I was pushing products that I loved, but that didn't fit together. I started to consider choosing one brand (jewelry or candles) but then decided that I loved them both too much to choose!

So after some soul searching and on the advice of some trusted mentors, I decided to get back to the heart of my business. MADE by Danielle is my new brand that encompasses all of my creative products & classes. Crafty Wino Candles aren't going anywhere & Wired Essentials jewelry is still everything you expect it to be. But my focus is coming back to the heart of the matter. All of these things are handmade by yours truly. I love to play with new ideas from time to time & I want to share that with you! 

I want to get back to blogging about the crafty products I take on (in my spare time 😆). I want to show you the awesome finds I come across and even share some of my friends' work with you from time to time.

The website and social media channels have a new look, but the handmade quality that you've come to expect from me isn't going to change. You'll notice over the next few weeks that I'm rolling out a couple of new things; FREE Workshops in the MADE Community Group on Facebook, MADE by You - more in-person classes and home parties and even more! 

If you aren't already in the Facebook Group I would love for you to join us! Head on over to community.danielleskaminski.com to join!

Overcoming Guilt

I don’t know if this is the case for everyone, but for me working from home has created a new layer of guilt.   

I posted this picture on Instagram yesterday. I was working from home on my living room sofa doing work in an online course with my puppy snuggled next to me, and I was overwhelmed with the sense that I should be doing more.  

 As a small business owner, the norm is to feel as though we are always hustling. There is always something we can be doing to grow our business. The goal is grow bigger and make more money, right? 

Wrong. 

When I left my accounting job last year it wasn’t because I didn’t enjoy the work, or because I didn’t love my clients & my co-workers. I pursued my own businesses full-time in order to create a more flexible schedule that would allow me to spend as much time as possible with any children that God blesses us with. One of the many things I learned carrying James was that any time we have with our children is a precious gift. Jason and I found ourselves in a place where we could make it happen, so I went for it.

Living on a tight budget isn’t glamourous. There are lots of days where I find myself thinking “I could do XYZ and that would be really profitable.” Of course XYZ requires time away from home. While that isn’t a problem right now, it isn’t the ultimate goal either.

Since we brought Lula home there have been many times when I have asked myself why I thought I had time for a puppy. I’m forced to shorten my days away from home. When I am home, inventory creation can only happen in managed chunks of time. When I’m working online I have to be efficient and take breaks to play tug with my energetic puppy.

It’s almost like having a toddler...

When I took that picture I realized that while having this sweet puppy is definitely slowing me down, she is also preparing me for the day when I am juggling my work with the children that I am desperately praying for. I don’t believe in coincidence. Does this mean God is preparing me because I’m going to get my miracle baby soon? I don’t know. I sure hope so.  

In the meantime, I’m going to spend some time on my sofa with a sleeping pup on my lap and learn not to let myself feel guilty that I may be “leaving money on the table”, because money isn’t everything. I’m playing the long game here & that doesn’t involved hustling until I drop. Winning for me will be days at home with little ones. The schedule I am cultivating now is going to make that possible one day.

What is making you feel guilty right now? Do you need to let go of what other people think you “should” be doing? Or maybe you need to remind yourself of the long game. What are you working towards  & why is what you are doing the right choice, even when it presses against typical expectations?

Fall

I'm a planner.

My schedule has a tendency to fill up weeks in advance and while often that is a result of running my own businesses, sometimes it is because I forget to set boundaries. So when I started to think about a word of the year for 2018, my initial thoughts were circulating around Balance. 

As 2018 got closer though, it just didn't feel right. I was becoming more and more aware that white-knuckling my schedule wasn't exactly how God wanted me living out my year. While I was working through a Bible Study entry I felt strongly that that God was pushing me to let go of my plans & try to focus more on the things He was putting in front of me.

I was chatting with a friend over coffee and she was talking about her martial arts practice. One of the first things they learn is how to fall without hurting themselves. I was overwhelmed with the feeling that this - Fall - was my focus word. It took a couple more weeks of reflection to understand exactly why.

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The visual of letting go - falling - and trusting God to catch me is exactly what I want to keep in my focus this year. I'm pretty sure the more traditional word choice would be Trust, but it's so much more than that. It isn't just the concept of trust or the knowledge that God is looking out for me. It's the action of trusting Him that I'm striving for this year.

More than lip service. 

More than a word.

Choosing to let go. 

Fall.

Every Season

They say when it rains it pours and that was certainly been true for me this past month. A few weeks ago as I doubled over in pain from a kidney stone, I found myself explaining multiple times that 'no, it wasn't possible I was pregnant because I miscarried less than a week ago'. There were other small things going wrong around me as well and I truly felt as though I was being clubbed again and again. 

“For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.”

— Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

Ecclesiastes 3 has always been somewhat of a touchstone passage for me. When things seem to be crumbling around me, I try to remind myself that it is just a season and things will get better. It can be hard to stay positive when it seems like troubles keep coming one after another. In fact it becomes incredibly easy to start going backwards and listing out every thing that has gone wrong in the past year, two years, even five years. 

About six weeks ago I was at a Holiday Market Event with lots of family and friends. It was one of my bigger events this fall and it went really well. Towards the end of the day my 'graceful' tendencies showed out and I spilled a container full of gemstones all over the floor. It wasn't just any container. It was my container of gemstone chips; carefully curated and separated into "seasons" for my Tree of Life designs. We all worked together to gather the stones and put them in one large bag. As I put the bag away I noticed how beautiful the mixture of colors really was. In the moment I knew this was one of those things that would mean something later.

I pulled that bag of stones out almost a month ago now and decided they would look really nice set against some copper wire. As I wore my new favorite design, slowly & softly it started speaking to me. 

This season of life that I am in feels as though it is lasting forever. Moments like the one I had in the ER a couple of days before Thanksgiving are particularly hard to swallow when it seems there is no end in sight. A container of spilled gemstones reminded me though, that it's only when all of these "seasons" are blended together that we will see the beautiful picture God is painting with our lives. 

My story isn't over yet. This really hard, really difficult season is just a piece of it. Without this barren winter the finished product wouldn't be nearly as beautiful. I may not know what the end of my story looks like, but I do know that these years of seeming desperation will only make it that much more beautiful.

Shop Every Season Tree of Life Jewelry 

Bathsheba is my hero

Last week I sat in my living room with two of my closest friends and confided that I was feeling very unworthy of a task that I know God is pushing me towards right now. I may not have made public monumental mistakes, but I've screwed up a lot over the years and there are lots of moments in my life that I'm not proud of. Knowing that there are plenty of people who knew that part of me makes me incredibly hesitant to do anything that appears as though I somehow think I deserve to be a mouthpiece for God. Then last week in the bible study we are working through we got into the story of David. It was a familiar story, but rather than looking at David, I found myself identifying with Bathsheba, a grieving mother. Suddenly I saw something very different in this story.

Bathsheba is a young bride whose husband, Uriah, is away at war. People often talk about her brazenly bathing for anyone to see, but the scripture actually says it was the middle of the night! As I think this through, she is probably staying in a home with other family members while Uriah is away and has little privacy. She waits until everyone has gone to bed and goes to the only place she can think of to have a few moments to herself to take a bath - the roof. She has no idea that David has seen her and is asking around about her. In fact, when the king sends for her I imagine she was terrified. Maybe she thinks her husband was killed or that she's done something to land herself in a lot of trouble. It's likely that she had no idea David intended to sleep with her. Also, I imagine that even if she wanted to say no, she couldn't. After all, he was the king. What would happen to her if she refused him? Then she gets pregnant & I'm confident that David didn't consult her about plotting to kill her husband, Uriah, in the war. So now she's lost her husband & not only is she pregnant, but everyone around her must know what is going on. She's rushed to the palace to marry the king and her child is born much less than nine months later. That baby was probably the only bright spot in her life many days. Then her child gets sick. David knows it is because of his sin, but does Bathsheba? There is no indication if she does or doesn't know. Chances are she only knows that her child is sick & dying. This woman has been through a lot of heartache in a year's time.

Suddenly, I'm commiserating with Bathsheba. I didn't cheat on my husband & I don't think that God took my son away, but It's been a really hard couple of years. I would be lying if I didn't admit that in some of my darker moments I question if I'm somehow to blame for losing my son.

After that terrible year though, the bible says that David and Bathsheba had Solomon. Solomon, a man who when told he could have anything in the world asked only for wisdom and compassion. That had to be a proud mama moment.

Thinking about Bathsheba and Solomon I remembered that Solomon wrote all of Proverbs including chapter 31 which is the go to scripture for women who want to be godly wives & mothers.

I did a little research and there are two references in all of scripture regarding King Lemuel (the king whose mother is attributed with Proverbs 31), both are in the book of Proverbs. Lemuel is translated to mean "belonging to God" and traditionally most believe that Solomon was referring to himself. That would mean that the godly advice given in Proverbs 31:1-9 is coming directly from Bathsheba herself & that either she is speaking in verses 10-31 or her son is making those comments while reflecting on what his mother taught him. 

Either way, all of this makes me think that Bathsheba - a woman whose reputation was ruined and who has been widely regarded throughout history as a wanton adulteress - in fact became a godly woman and mother who is still giving us guidance today.

Wow.

Bathsheba is my hero.

Daddy's No. 1

"This is Danielle, she's number one." That's how Daddy introduced me. Anytime he talked about his daughters he would tag our number after the name for reference. I was the oldest, so I was number one, on down to the youngest, number four. 

Daddy had four daughters from two marriages and his introduction system organically grew from plenty of conversations of "how many kids do you have?" when only two were present or when it was obvious my step-mom was not old enough to have a daughter my age. Of course once he got started with it he liked to have fun with us. I've never met anyone with a grin quite as impish as my Daddy. He'd get so tickled at himself. That is one of the many things I love to remember about him.

There are so many stories I want to tell. So many great memories. Daddy has been gone for over four years now, so when my sister (No. 2) asked me about making a bracelet for Daddy the way I'd made a necklace for James, I was surprised it hadn't occurred to me sooner. When she suggested stamping our "numbers" on the bracelets I knew it was perfect. 

I think this is exactly what Remembrance Jewelry should be. A reminder not only of the person you lost, but of something about them that makes you smile. We have so many wonderful memories and that is what we want to hang onto.

Today is Daddy's Birthday. It's always a tough day, but it's getting easier to think about all those great memories. As much as I miss him I do like thinking that he is up there with my sweet boy and they have one another.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Counting it ALL Joy

This Sunday will be James’s first birthday. There will be no smash cake, no adorable photo shoot, no big party to celebrate our baby getting another year older. Just reminders of all of the things we missed out on this year. No first laughs, no sleepless nights because he isn’t feeling well, no tummy time or learning to crawl. 

It’s so lonely when normally happy, joyful moments are clouded with a yearning for what you were supposed to have. I had a new niece born this summer and she is so beautiful.  I LOVE when I get to see her and spend time with her. But I so long to be passing along advice to my baby sister about what worked with James when he started teething, or how we got him to sleep through the night the first time. I can’t though, because that was taken away from us.

When we were finally ready to start trying to have another baby, we got two pink lines the very first month! For five days I was so excited. For five days I knocked the dust off the old nursery plans. For five days I started thinking about baby names & holiday plans & how we would tell our family the good news – we were going to announce on Mother’s Day.

Then, after five days, I learned what it was like to lose a baby that I never had a chance to name. I discovered that five days is long enough to become a mom again. Five days is long enough for the grief that comes after to pull you under. Five days matters.

During the eight months between losing James and losing our second baby I can’t count the number of times I said, “I don’t know what it’s like to have a miscarriage.” I encountered so many people who were walking paths of infertility that included devastating miscarriage after miscarriage and I felt so inept to offer support, because I knew that what I had gone through with James was different.

I thought what I had gone through with James was harder than a miscarriage, and in a lot of ways it was. But all of the things that made losing him so much harder, were the same things that allowed us to experience joy even in the sadness. I felt James kick. I heard his strong heartbeat. I held his precious, beautiful little body.

I experienced none of those joys with my second very brief pregnancy. Does that make it easier? Maybe. I don’t think about that baby every single day. I don’t imagine it’s little face when I hold my niece. While I’m incredibly sad about losing it, I have no memories of that baby aside from some mild nausea and two pink lines.

Two losses in such a short time are not fair. I’m still dealing with a lot of anger, but I also appreciate the perspective that our second baby gave me. We have amazing pictures from our time with James that we haven’t shared because it was too hard, but if my miscarriage taught me anything, it was to hold on tight to those memories. Most women who lose their babies don’t get those moments. I want to remember every detail of our precious boy and every minute that God gave us with him.

When James was born I bought a lot of scrapbooking supplies because I was going to put together a baby book that told his story. I wanted something to remember his time with us, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to start working on it until now. With James’s first birthday coming up it is time. I’m looking at pictures again, and it’s bringing back a lot of really tough emotions. It’s also reminding me that we were so lucky to have that time with him. We were so fortunate to have an amazing friend in Amanda Morgan who was willing to come to the hospital at 9pm on a Saturday night and stay until 4:30 in the morning capturing the moments that we will spend the rest of lives trying to never forget.

A lot of you purchased the necklace I designed last year when we were building James’s Memorial Garden. Your support was so overwhelming and we are so grateful to have such a loving community around us. This year I’m hoping to sell just as many James’s Joy Necklaces because 50% of the proceeds will be going to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep in memory of James. This non-profit provides photography services for parents like us who are dealing the their worst nightmare & trying to capture some joy to hold onto.

Several have already responded. If you are one of them thank you so much! If you haven't had the opportunity yet, I would love your help. Maybe you or someone you know needs one of these necklaces as a reminder to count it all JOY. Maybe you could share James’s story on Social Media so your friends and family can know how special our little boy was to so many of us. Maybe you just want to make a direct donation to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep in memory of James, I would love that too.

We will celebrate his birthday this weekend. It won’t be a typical first birthday party with a lot of guests and presents and cake. It will simply be time spent in his garden loving on our family. We are still grieving, and probably always will be, but this weekend will be about the Joy he brought into our lives for a season, and the lessons that we learned about faith and family through his short life.

It's going to be an emotional week, thank you in advance for your prayers and all your support.

Unrest

My heart is so heavy. The past few weeks have been full of moments that slam the breath right out of me and drop me to my knees with overwhelming grief. Two weeks ago, in the middle of an ordinary day, something as simple as a promotional mailer set my world in a bit of a tailspin that I haven't pulled out of yet. My conscience is waging a constant war against the angry woman inside of me screaming for people to be more appreciative, more considerate, less self-absorbed. While this righteous anger is swirling in my gut, I'm also admonishing myself for the same self-absorbed thinking that can't seem to forget that the rest of the world isn't living my experience.

This tug of war that goes on inside of me spills out in angry sobs and makes me want to hide under the covers and pretend the rest of the world hasn't continued to go on as though my son never existed.

I battle the depression and anxiety as I always have, essentially throwing myself into project after project to keep me busy. While this works to keep me active and in society rather than tucked into my bed for days on end, it doesn't really help. It only buys time between meltdowns.

I haven't been spending much time listening to God lately. I've been talking at Him a lot, but then I cut Him off and throw myself into the next project. I'm not sure why I've taken that distance. Maybe I want to hang on to my righteous anger. Maybe being angry is easier than being hurt and sad. Maybe I'm afraid that He will ask me to give up a project or two. 

Back in January I went to a weekend conference where Angie Smith was the speaker. She was talking about grief and anger and pointed out that God is big. He doesn't have a problem with our anger. He only asks that we come to Him with it. That makes sense to me. I think back over the years and there have been plenty of relationships that had to be repaired with uncomfortable conversations that started with, "I love you, but you really hurt me." Or even, "I'm really mad at you right now and I need some time to calm down."

I think that is where I am with God. I'm hurt and angry because I know that He could have saved my son. He could have chosen to heal my James and I wouldn't be so bitter or heartbroken. The problem is I haven't really told Him yet. I talk to Him about other things, about other people's needs, then I cut Him off before we can go deeper. 

God, I'm hurt. I've seen You work miracles for other people, but You didn't do it for me. I know that is petty, but I'm jealous of the other moms who bring home healthy children, some without even trying. I know people aren't having babies to make me jealous. I know people are complaining about parenting because it is legitimately hard work, not because they want to rub it in my face that they have children at home. Even though I'm angry, I do still love You. I know that You love me too, and that ultimately You do want good things for me. I think I just needed a little time. This conversation is really uncomfortable but I know we need to have it. Now that I've said all that, I think I'm ready to listen again.

Mother: v. to raise or protect

I am so fortunate to have a wonderful mom. She has always been my biggest supporter while remaining a voice of reason when I get ahead of myself. As an adult I can say without reservation that she is truly one of my best friends. I want her opinion anytime I'm making a big decision, or even a small one. We talk almost every day. I pray that I have the same positive influence on my own children one day.

I'm blessed beyond measure by family, but I'm also very aware that not everyone is. Some have lost their mothers to death or circumstances beyond their control. Some never had an opportunity to know their mothers. Many of us remember the children who made us mothers, but are no longer here. Mother's Day can be really tough for so many people, myself included.

But on these occasions that bring out that ache in our lives, it is important to remember that not all family is created by blood. Mothering isn't solely reserved for the women that gave birth to a child. Even those of us with wonderful mothers also have a village of women and men who impacted our lives and raised us up to be who we are. 

I would love to challenge you to reach out to those people in your life who have raised you up in difficult times and encouraged your dreams. Tell them the impact they've had on shaping your life. Imagine the impact you could have just by saying, "Thank you for loving me so well."

In the Garden

Yesterday marked a year since we saw those two pink lines that said we would be parents. This Christmas has been incredibly difficult for Jason and I but it was filled with love and family. Last night we came home from Christmas Eve Mass and I discovered that Jason had strung lights on one of the trees in the garden "for James". My carefully maintained facade cracked and we sobbed in one another's arms. This Christmas, while wonderful, was not what it was supposed to be, at least as far as we'd planned.

We dedicated James's Garden Thanksgiving Weekend and the month since has been so difficult for us. There are days that the grief is so heavy I feel I could simply collapse beneath it, but mostly I drown myself in busyness to avoid emotions and search out small things to be happy about. 

Planning this garden was very enlightening. I learned that it is often when a plant appears to be bare and without much chance at survival that it has the most growth. Tonight I stood in James's Garden and saw the new life we planted just weeks ago is now wilting and bare. How encouraging to think that perhaps this barren and desolate time will not only lead to growth for these trees and plants, but might bring about something beautiful in us as well.

It comes as little surprise to me that the most profound connection I've felt with God during this time relates to another garden. The night before his crucifixion Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. In the Gospel of Matthew he says, "Oh My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me". I was right there beside Jesus asking God if there wasn't some other way.

When we came home from the doctor the Thursday before Easter (coincidence? I don't think so) after receiving James's diagnosis I was begging God not to ask this of us. We knew we couldn't let our baby go. Still, I couldn't imagine being able to survive the pain if he didn't make it. I began to pray that if James couldn't survive for God to please take him from us and spare us that pain. I am so very grateful that God stamped His all knowing NO on that prayer.

We loved James so much already and we hadn't even met him yet. We knew that if there was even the smallest chance he could make it we had to do everything in our power to give it to him.

Ya'll that's what Jesus did for us when he said, "if this cup cannot pass away from me unless I drink it, Your will be done." He hadn't met us yet, but He loved us so much already. He knew that going to the cross was the only chance we had, so He gave it to us.

Obviously I'm not Jesus, but I realized that when it came to understanding what I was feeling, he knows better than any one.

A few days after the crucifixion, in another garden, Jesus appeared to a grieving and distraught Mary. He'd been resurrected just as He'd promised. Still, she didn't even recognize him through her grief. In the middle of intense sadness it is hard to remember His promises. I can tell you I have been there, and still am many days. Often I am so overwhelmed with grief that I don't recognize He is walking right alongside me.

But He is. I could tell endless stories of all the amazing people that God has put right in front of me through this journey. Sometimes I know immediately that He is at work through them and other times it becomes clear much later. No matter when I catch on though, He is always there.

One of the incredible things about James's Garden is that while we sit and remember our son, we are looking out at reminders of all of our blessings. Listening to the peaceful sound of the fountain, I'm looking at the home Jason and I are making. I see the fire pit where we make wonderful memories with our friends. On the occasions our yard is full of nieces and nephews playing, I know that one day we will have little ones joining in the fun. 

I will never be able to fully express the gratitude we have for all of the help and contributions that made this vision of ours a reality. James's Garden will continue to be a work of love for years to come. I look forward to helping my future children plant flowers near the fountain while telling them them all about their brother in heaven and how very special he is. His story isn't over. He continues to make me a better person for having been his mom. One day, in a new garden, I will hold my sweet baby again. Until that day comes I will do my best to make the most of his life, by doing as much good as I can with mine. 

Today we are celebrating the birthday of a Savior who made that possible. Cherish your families. Hug them a little tighter tonight for me, and have a very Merry Christmas. 

but I will pray for him

I did not vote for him, but I will pray for him.

If you're focusing on the first part of that sentence and you are surprised or disappointed I would love to have a cup of coffee and a loving conversation about the life experiences and beliefs that lead me to that decision. However, that doesn't matter nearly as much as the second part. 

In recent weeks my husband brought to my attention that it would be interesting to see how well we "practiced what we preached" should the election turn out this way. I've always been a firm believer that once our country elects a president we should respect and support them as our nation's leader. I'm not saying I think we should follow like lemmings, that is why we vote and write letters to our representatives and congressmen about topics we feel strongly about. I do believe that it is important our country present a united front to the world. I'm very concerned about the way our divisiveness presents to other nations. If US citizens have no respect for our President then why should they? This belief is easy to support and promote when I voted for the man sitting in the oval office. It will be much more difficult when I did not. 

So I will pray. Seventy two days from now on January 20, 2017 Donald Trump will be sworn into office as President of the United States of America. I pledge right now to myself and all of you that I will pray for him, and the men and women who are now and will be working with him, every single day until then and every day of his term. I will pray "that he may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and understanding; that he may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in knowledge of God; strengthened with all might according to His glorious power, for all patience and long suffering with joy; giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light." (Colossians 1:9-12)

I will also pray for myself and everyone else who bears a heavy heart over the results of the election. In Deuteronomy 31:6 Moses said to Israel, "Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you."

I'm not trying to glaze over my disappointments, I have many. I'm disappointed that there wasn't a candidate that I could support with my whole heart with no reservations. I'm disappointed that the person I thought was better qualified for the job did not win. I'm disappointed that despite the fact that the election is now over, our country may never be fully united again. I'm most disappointed that relationships, real person to person relationships, have been irreparably damaged as a result of this election.

So I will pray that our next President will be convicted to lead our country with love and wisdom. If he does not, God is still in control. "He is the same and His years will have no end." Psalms 102:27

I hope you will pray with me.

For such a time as this

There are things I remember from growing up with intense clarity. One of those things is the tragedy at Columbine High School. Unfortunately there have been many similar occurrences since then, including the incredibly sad loss in Townville, SC this month. Columbine, however, made a much more distinct mark on the pages of my life. That teenager targeted classmates who believed in God.

As a middle class white teenager in SC, before social media at that, I knew nothing of religious persecution aside from the long ago stories that I read in Bible or the stories told by the missionaries that visited our church from time to time. When I saw other kids just like me had been killed for professing their belief in God, it shook me to the core. Shortly after that The Journals of Rachel Scott was published and I read about one inspiring girl who died for her faith. I was so humbled by her. That was the beginning of a period when I spent a lot of time in my bible trying to find out what I was supposed to do for Him with my life. I wish I could tell you that I figured it out and stayed on that path, but the truth is so much more complicated. I don't have a story of addiction or unbelief that some do, but I did make choices that were outside of God's will for my life and I relied a lot on my own wisdom rather than looking to him.

Still, those years prepared me for this season of my life in a way I could have never imagined. The people God put in my life during that time made an impact and even when I wasn't making the best of choices those memories stayed with me. This past year we had to make choice after choice about how we would handle James's short life. We had to handle situations and people that tested us in very real ways. On this side of that I can see clearly how what I learned as a child and teen shaped the way I responded to those situations.

It makes me think of Esther. Her story has always been one that sticks with me, possibly because it was always used as a parallel for Rachel Scott's story. If you aren't familiar with the story, Esther became Queen through a beauty pageant of sorts. Her uncle Mordecai raised her and advised her in how to earn the King's favor. They were Jewish and therefore very much persecuted and discriminated against. One of the King's advisor's, Haman, hated Jews. He manipulated the King and used his power to order the Jewish people to be executed. Esther petitioned the King and ultimately saved her people. God used her position in the kingdom and her upbringing to save His people from death. This is a very simple version of a much more complicated but beautiful story. You should read it if you haven't.

I believe that everything in my life to this point was preparing me for this season. The jobs I've worked, the friends I've had, difficulties I've faced. They were all shaping me and preparing me for this exact purpose.

“Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”

— Esther 4:14

So to the girls in Acteens and Youth Group; Thank you. You taught me the hard lesson of how to ask for forgiveness when I hurt you, and showed me how to forgive when you hurt me. You supported me during a period in my life that was more important than I could know at the time. While I don't keep in touch with any of you aside from facebook, I think of you often. I hope you have found happiness and that our years in those communities had a positive impact on your life as well.

To the Sunday school teachers and discipleship training leaders that made sure we didn't just show up on Sunday, but thought about what we were learning through the week and applied those bible lessons to our daily lives; Thank you. I still hear your voices gently correcting me.

Most importantly, thanks to my family. It takes a village to raise a child and you did that. All of you played a part in making sure I was in church and learning about God. You disciplined me when I did wrong and showed me unconditional love. I saw Jesus in you.

What if God put us exactly where we are for this exact moment so that He could use us to shine His light to those around us. Esther saved a nation so sometimes it's hard for us to see exactly how it relates to us, but I see it. All these people in my life, they were my Mordecai; teaching me, shaping me and encouraging me. James's encephalocele was our Haman, trying to tear us apart. Finding the strength to carry him, that was God's light shining. I will never understand in this life why James couldn't survive and I still wish that our miracle had been bringing our son home. Instead the miracle God gave to us and to everyone who knew James or has heard his story is the ability to see the joy in the suffering. He has shown us how to find peace in Him. It is such an honor to be James's mom and see his story touch the lives of so many people.

So look around your life. The child you are raising, the co-workers you need to have patience with, the friends who sometimes hurt you without meaning to... you may be their Mordecai. Don't give up on them. Who knows, perhaps they are your Mordecai and God has put them in your life to prepare you.

For such a time as this.

#projectmended

I gritted my teeth as I raised my arms above my head and threw the black trash bag to the ground. I heard the shattering of clay and watched the bag break to release a few larger pieces of the pot. The emotional release brought me to tears. I'd been waiting six weeks to break something.

Let me rewind for you. While I was pregnant with James I read a book called "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. It was good to read someone else's story and be able to say 'yes, that's exactly how it feels'. After James was born I had a devotional, "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" that my cousin had given to me. It was another great book with stories I needed to hear and more soul screams of "Exactly!" It has always been helpful for me to have a book or devotional to help focus me in my quiet time and help me read my bible with purpose. So I did some digging and found that Angie Smith has written more books and bible studies since I Will Carry You. I decided that Mended would be a good one for me. I read the introduction and the first chapter and then set it aside. She suggests breaking a piece of pottery and gluing it back together. I wanted to do that before I got started on the book and after a couple of conversations I convinced my mom and two of my sisters to do it with me. We went for breakfast and then to Hobby Lobby with 40% off coupons in search of things to break.

We spent the afternoon around my moms kitchen table with glue guns and broken pottery listening to music, making observations (and a few jokes) about how our pieces were like us and of course crying. As I got closer to finishing my pot I made the observation that the point of impact where my piece was the most broken and impossible to completely put back together was the most beautiful part of the pot. As I said it out loud tears started to pour down my face and there was no stopping them. I didn't even realize how much I was crying at first. I burned myself pretty badly with the glue gun and realized that I'd done as much repair as I could. I was finished trying to put the pot back together. 

I'm so broken right now. I looked forward to this season as one of the happiest and most beautiful ones of our life together. I planned to take an extended maternity leave so I could soak up the hours with our little one. I should have been planning a nursery, not a memorial garden. I should be deciding what adorable onesie James is going to wear today, not picking out planters for his fountain. This, the point of impact, was supposed to be a beautiful and happy time. Now it is shattered, and I've done the best I can to put it back together, but I can't. Now I have to trust God to spill out through the cracks and show me how it can still be used for His glory.

I know He will. I know we will be better people for having walked through this season with Him by our sides. He will help us heal. We will be mended.