Daddy's No. 1

"This is Danielle, she's number one." That's how Daddy introduced me. Anytime he talked about his daughters he would tag our number after the name for reference. I was the oldest, so I was number one, on down to the youngest, number four. 

Daddy had four daughters from two marriages and his introduction system organically grew from plenty of conversations of "how many kids do you have?" when only two were present or when it was obvious my step-mom was not old enough to have a daughter my age. Of course once he got started with it he liked to have fun with us. I've never met anyone with a grin quite as impish as my Daddy. He'd get so tickled at himself. That is one of the many things I love to remember about him.

There are so many stories I want to tell. So many great memories. Daddy has been gone for over four years now, so when my sister (No. 2) asked me about making a bracelet for Daddy the way I'd made a necklace for James, I was surprised it hadn't occurred to me sooner. When she suggested stamping our "numbers" on the bracelets I knew it was perfect. 

I think this is exactly what Remembrance Jewelry should be. A reminder not only of the person you lost, but of something about them that makes you smile. We have so many wonderful memories and that is what we want to hang onto.

Today is Daddy's Birthday. It's always a tough day, but it's getting easier to think about all those great memories. As much as I miss him I do like thinking that he is up there with my sweet boy and they have one another.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Counting it ALL Joy

This Sunday will be James’s first birthday. There will be no smash cake, no adorable photo shoot, no big party to celebrate our baby getting another year older. Just reminders of all of the things we missed out on this year. No first laughs, no sleepless nights because he isn’t feeling well, no tummy time or learning to crawl. 

It’s so lonely when normally happy, joyful moments are clouded with a yearning for what you were supposed to have. I had a new niece born this summer and she is so beautiful.  I LOVE when I get to see her and spend time with her. But I so long to be passing along advice to my baby sister about what worked with James when he started teething, or how we got him to sleep through the night the first time. I can’t though, because that was taken away from us.

When we were finally ready to start trying to have another baby, we got two pink lines the very first month! For five days I was so excited. For five days I knocked the dust off the old nursery plans. For five days I started thinking about baby names & holiday plans & how we would tell our family the good news – we were going to announce on Mother’s Day.

Then, after five days, I learned what it was like to lose a baby that I never had a chance to name. I discovered that five days is long enough to become a mom again. Five days is long enough for the grief that comes after to pull you under. Five days matters.

During the eight months between losing James and losing our second baby I can’t count the number of times I said, “I don’t know what it’s like to have a miscarriage.” I encountered so many people who were walking paths of infertility that included devastating miscarriage after miscarriage and I felt so inept to offer support, because I knew that what I had gone through with James was different.

I thought what I had gone through with James was harder than a miscarriage, and in a lot of ways it was. But all of the things that made losing him so much harder, were the same things that allowed us to experience joy even in the sadness. I felt James kick. I heard his strong heartbeat. I held his precious, beautiful little body.

I experienced none of those joys with my second very brief pregnancy. Does that make it easier? Maybe. I don’t think about that baby every single day. I don’t imagine it’s little face when I hold my niece. While I’m incredibly sad about losing it, I have no memories of that baby aside from some mild nausea and two pink lines.

Two losses in such a short time are not fair. I’m still dealing with a lot of anger, but I also appreciate the perspective that our second baby gave me. We have amazing pictures from our time with James that we haven’t shared because it was too hard, but if my miscarriage taught me anything, it was to hold on tight to those memories. Most women who lose their babies don’t get those moments. I want to remember every detail of our precious boy and every minute that God gave us with him.

When James was born I bought a lot of scrapbooking supplies because I was going to put together a baby book that told his story. I wanted something to remember his time with us, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to start working on it until now. With James’s first birthday coming up it is time. I’m looking at pictures again, and it’s bringing back a lot of really tough emotions. It’s also reminding me that we were so lucky to have that time with him. We were so fortunate to have an amazing friend in Amanda Morgan who was willing to come to the hospital at 9pm on a Saturday night and stay until 4:30 in the morning capturing the moments that we will spend the rest of lives trying to never forget.

A lot of you purchased the necklace I designed last year when we were building James’s Memorial Garden. Your support was so overwhelming and we are so grateful to have such a loving community around us. This year I’m hoping to sell just as many James’s Joy Necklaces because 50% of the proceeds will be going to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep in memory of James. This non-profit provides photography services for parents like us who are dealing the their worst nightmare & trying to capture some joy to hold onto.

Several have already responded. If you are one of them thank you so much! If you haven't had the opportunity yet, I would love your help. Maybe you or someone you know needs one of these necklaces as a reminder to count it all JOY. Maybe you could share James’s story on Social Media so your friends and family can know how special our little boy was to so many of us. Maybe you just want to make a direct donation to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep in memory of James, I would love that too.

We will celebrate his birthday this weekend. It won’t be a typical first birthday party with a lot of guests and presents and cake. It will simply be time spent in his garden loving on our family. We are still grieving, and probably always will be, but this weekend will be about the Joy he brought into our lives for a season, and the lessons that we learned about faith and family through his short life.

It's going to be an emotional week, thank you in advance for your prayers and all your support.

Essentially Perfect

As a jewelry designer my favorite thing to make is a long strand of wire wrapped gemstones. I work this element into most of my storyteller pieces but my favorite will always be the Essential Necklace. I think these necklaces are so incredible. I have at least three in my personal collection and my bright gemstone mix on bronze wire is my go to necklace. I have never worn it that someone didn't ask me where I found it. Pictures and words don't do these necklaces justice in my opinion. It's best to hold them in your hand and see the light reflected off the stones in person. Of course the next best thing is a video. 

The Essential Necklaces take an hour and a half to two hours to create making the price point a bit higher than my other designs but the versatility of this piece makes it worth the investment! In this video I go over 5 different ways to wear the Essential Necklace and how to pair it with with my Essential Pendant to take it to the next level. 

I try to keep as many gemstone mixes and wire options in stock as possible, but if you don't see exactly what you are looking for please contact me with your custom requests! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go play with gemstones!

Recycling Bottles

As we unloaded the car last week after our family beach trip our loaded arms clinked with bags of empty wine bottles. I've told Jason before that our garbage men probably think we have a serious drinking problem! Even with all the recycling that happens with The Crafty Wino, we still have to throw away about a box of broken or unusable wine bottles each week.

I've had so many people ask about how I make my candles. I don't pretend it was an original idea. The Crafty Wino started as a fun project to use up what was left from our wedding decor and make a little cash. I did a lot of pinterest research and discovered, from a purely financial stand point, it was less expensive to make my own candles than it was to continue supporting my shopping habit at larger candle stores.

It turns out I'm not the only person who loves a good candle & I quickly reached a point in this business where I could have gotten away from recycled glass and started pouring candles in purchased jars or tins. In fact, it was incredibly tempting. You see while pouring candles in recycled glass was less expensive than shopping for them, it is exponentially more time consuming. The demand for soy candles with amazing scents is there, so why not increase production by cutting out this step? The candles would burn just as clean and smell just as good.

While I was toying with the idea of expanding to different containers, the recycling centers in the Upstate of SC stopped taking glass. A handful of people had started bringing me their bottles regularly & I knew that if I multiplied that by all of the wine drinkers in the upstate the sudden increase of glass in the landfills was going to be crazy! Suddenly the extra work seemed worth it. These candles serve a small purpose now. I've made more contacts so the supply of bottles is growing significantly, but it's still a lot of work.

I get asked all the time how long is takes to make a candle from start to finish. The answer? Three Days. Of course, I can produce 30-50 at once if I have the bottles, but it is not a simple process. The first day is all about delabeling the bottles. That's all I can do that day, because the next step is sensitive to temperature and the bottles need to be at room temperature for 24 hours for the best results. The next three steps can be done in a single day, but it would be a long one, so I usually spread it over two. I use a scoring tool to mark where I want the bottle to separate, then use a hot water bath and cold water bath to separate the bottles one at a time. Depending on how many bottles are in a batch this can take a couple of hours. Once that is done I use a glass grinder to smooth down the edge of the containers. This makes a mess and so all of the bottles have to be cleaned and dried again. Now I can wick and pour the candles. Because I pour in small batches this process takes a lot longer - but it smells the best! They generally take about 4 or 5 hours to set up so I can label them & trim the wicks. 

In the beginning I was only reusing my own containers but I quickly realized how much easier it was to simply wash a container for pouring! So now I give a discount to customers who return their finished candles! It saves me a lot of work if all I have to do is clean and pour & it's just another way to continue keeping that bottle out of the landfill! Now that the word has gotten out and my bottle contributors are growing in number I'm adding more retail locations and even added an online shop for my candles! Shipping is available in the contiguous United States.

Since this area of my business has grown so much I'm more aware than ever of my own habits and I'm making a concentrated effort to recycle more. What do you do to be eco-friendly? I'd love to hear more ideas from you guys about what we can be doing to contribute to cleaning up the earth!

Wanna become a bottle contributor? E-mail me! I do regular pick-ups in the Greenville/Spartanburg area and I'm in the Columbia area about once a month. I send out special discounts and coupons to my contributors periodically and I'd love to add you to that list!

The Carolina Collection

So last fall my friend and fellow creative Jim Stephens, from 292 Sparcon at Home, came to me about a collaboration. Jim does a lot of laser engraving and wooden cutouts. I've bought so many things from him that I just love, including my market signage. He threw out some really fun ideas and we decided to touch base after the holidays. Now ya'll know I have to sit on things and let them roll around in my head sometimes. This was no exception. I thought his ideas were awesome, but could I pull it off? Would it fit with my style? This spring he brought me the first handful of prototypes and his wife Nancy asked me to work up a few necklaces for her. Once I got my hands on them and started playing with gemstones I was sold! These wooden pendants are such a unique, natural design element & I can't get enough! Now that I see how these wooden elements can fit into my designs Jim is going to get sick of my e-mails! 

I can't wait for you to see all the unique designs that come out of this collaboration but first, let's serve an immediate need. In South Carolina we love college football & our state flag! If you are like me I always end up in the same t-shirts on game day and if I sport any themed jewelry it's often cheap and plastic because I've never found anything nice that I've fallen in love with. This Collection really steps it up! You are going to be showing these off to all our your friends. Even better, you can personalize them for no extra charge! 

It's the South! You have College Football and Initials. What else do you need?

(A Koozie. I didn't make a koozie, sorry ya'll.)

All Carolina Collection Designs are now listed online and available in stores!

Storyteller

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I have a love for stories. I just love to know more about the people we share this earth with. I also have an insatiable appetite for inspiration. The more stories I hear the more I think of creative ways to tell those stories. My Inspired Collection is of course representative of the stories in my life and the ways that people or scripture have inspired me, but what about you? I want to create pieces to represent what inspires you.

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That is what the Storyteller Collection is all about. These new designs are all unique. I will never duplicate a design in it's entirety. The elements of these designs take on a personality and tell the story that you want to hear. I have loved seeing my friends pick up these pieces and say, "I have a friend who needs this." I want these pieces to have so much personality that they simply belong to one of you, before I even know it. 

There are so many more designs to come in this unique line. Many are currently on display at Vintage Warehouse of Spartanburg & Rustic Restorations of SC. You can find some online HERE. I hope you find the one that belongs to you or a friend!

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Unrest

My heart is so heavy. The past few weeks have been full of moments that slam the breath right out of me and drop me to my knees with overwhelming grief. Two weeks ago, in the middle of an ordinary day, something as simple as a promotional mailer set my world in a bit of a tailspin that I haven't pulled out of yet. My conscience is waging a constant war against the angry woman inside of me screaming for people to be more appreciative, more considerate, less self-absorbed. While this righteous anger is swirling in my gut, I'm also admonishing myself for the same self-absorbed thinking that can't seem to forget that the rest of the world isn't living my experience.

This tug of war that goes on inside of me spills out in angry sobs and makes me want to hide under the covers and pretend the rest of the world hasn't continued to go on as though my son never existed.

I battle the depression and anxiety as I always have, essentially throwing myself into project after project to keep me busy. While this works to keep me active and in society rather than tucked into my bed for days on end, it doesn't really help. It only buys time between meltdowns.

I haven't been spending much time listening to God lately. I've been talking at Him a lot, but then I cut Him off and throw myself into the next project. I'm not sure why I've taken that distance. Maybe I want to hang on to my righteous anger. Maybe being angry is easier than being hurt and sad. Maybe I'm afraid that He will ask me to give up a project or two. 

Back in January I went to a weekend conference where Angie Smith was the speaker. She was talking about grief and anger and pointed out that God is big. He doesn't have a problem with our anger. He only asks that we come to Him with it. That makes sense to me. I think back over the years and there have been plenty of relationships that had to be repaired with uncomfortable conversations that started with, "I love you, but you really hurt me." Or even, "I'm really mad at you right now and I need some time to calm down."

I think that is where I am with God. I'm hurt and angry because I know that He could have saved my son. He could have chosen to heal my James and I wouldn't be so bitter or heartbroken. The problem is I haven't really told Him yet. I talk to Him about other things, about other people's needs, then I cut Him off before we can go deeper. 

God, I'm hurt. I've seen You work miracles for other people, but You didn't do it for me. I know that is petty, but I'm jealous of the other moms who bring home healthy children, some without even trying. I know people aren't having babies to make me jealous. I know people are complaining about parenting because it is legitimately hard work, not because they want to rub it in my face that they have children at home. Even though I'm angry, I do still love You. I know that You love me too, and that ultimately You do want good things for me. I think I just needed a little time. This conversation is really uncomfortable but I know we need to have it. Now that I've said all that, I think I'm ready to listen again.

Mother: v. to raise or protect

I am so fortunate to have a wonderful mom. She has always been my biggest supporter while remaining a voice of reason when I get ahead of myself. As an adult I can say without reservation that she is truly one of my best friends. I want her opinion anytime I'm making a big decision, or even a small one. We talk almost every day. I pray that I have the same positive influence on my own children one day.

I'm blessed beyond measure by family, but I'm also very aware that not everyone is. Some have lost their mothers to death or circumstances beyond their control. Some never had an opportunity to know their mothers. Many of us remember the children who made us mothers, but are no longer here. Mother's Day can be really tough for so many people, myself included.

But on these occasions that bring out that ache in our lives, it is important to remember that not all family is created by blood. Mothering isn't solely reserved for the women that gave birth to a child. Even those of us with wonderful mothers also have a village of women and men who impacted our lives and raised us up to be who we are. 

I would love to challenge you to reach out to those people in your life who have raised you up in difficult times and encouraged your dreams. Tell them the impact they've had on shaping your life. Imagine the impact you could have just by saying, "Thank you for loving me so well."

In the Garden

Yesterday marked a year since we saw those two pink lines that said we would be parents. This Christmas has been incredibly difficult for Jason and I but it was filled with love and family. Last night we came home from Christmas Eve Mass and I discovered that Jason had strung lights on one of the trees in the garden "for James". My carefully maintained facade cracked and we sobbed in one another's arms. This Christmas, while wonderful, was not what it was supposed to be, at least as far as we'd planned.

We dedicated James's Garden Thanksgiving Weekend and the month since has been so difficult for us. There are days that the grief is so heavy I feel I could simply collapse beneath it, but mostly I drown myself in busyness to avoid emotions and search out small things to be happy about. 

Planning this garden was very enlightening. I learned that it is often when a plant appears to be bare and without much chance at survival that it has the most growth. Tonight I stood in James's Garden and saw the new life we planted just weeks ago is now wilting and bare. How encouraging to think that perhaps this barren and desolate time will not only lead to growth for these trees and plants, but might bring about something beautiful in us as well.

It comes as little surprise to me that the most profound connection I've felt with God during this time relates to another garden. The night before his crucifixion Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. In the Gospel of Matthew he says, "Oh My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me". I was right there beside Jesus asking God if there wasn't some other way.

When we came home from the doctor the Thursday before Easter (coincidence? I don't think so) after receiving James's diagnosis I was begging God not to ask this of us. We knew we couldn't let our baby go. Still, I couldn't imagine being able to survive the pain if he didn't make it. I began to pray that if James couldn't survive for God to please take him from us and spare us that pain. I am so very grateful that God stamped His all knowing NO on that prayer.

We loved James so much already and we hadn't even met him yet. We knew that if there was even the smallest chance he could make it we had to do everything in our power to give it to him.

Ya'll that's what Jesus did for us when he said, "if this cup cannot pass away from me unless I drink it, Your will be done." He hadn't met us yet, but He loved us so much already. He knew that going to the cross was the only chance we had, so He gave it to us.

Obviously I'm not Jesus, but I realized that when it came to understanding what I was feeling, he knows better than any one.

A few days after the crucifixion, in another garden, Jesus appeared to a grieving and distraught Mary. He'd been resurrected just as He'd promised. Still, she didn't even recognize him through her grief. In the middle of intense sadness it is hard to remember His promises. I can tell you I have been there, and still am many days. Often I am so overwhelmed with grief that I don't recognize He is walking right alongside me.

But He is. I could tell endless stories of all the amazing people that God has put right in front of me through this journey. Sometimes I know immediately that He is at work through them and other times it becomes clear much later. No matter when I catch on though, He is always there.

One of the incredible things about James's Garden is that while we sit and remember our son, we are looking out at reminders of all of our blessings. Listening to the peaceful sound of the fountain, I'm looking at the home Jason and I are making. I see the fire pit where we make wonderful memories with our friends. On the occasions our yard is full of nieces and nephews playing, I know that one day we will have little ones joining in the fun. 

I will never be able to fully express the gratitude we have for all of the help and contributions that made this vision of ours a reality. James's Garden will continue to be a work of love for years to come. I look forward to helping my future children plant flowers near the fountain while telling them them all about their brother in heaven and how very special he is. His story isn't over. He continues to make me a better person for having been his mom. One day, in a new garden, I will hold my sweet baby again. Until that day comes I will do my best to make the most of his life, by doing as much good as I can with mine. 

Today we are celebrating the birthday of a Savior who made that possible. Cherish your families. Hug them a little tighter tonight for me, and have a very Merry Christmas. 

Blessings

Shortly after we learned about James's encephalocele my sister sent me a playlist of songs that she thought would encourage me. One of those was Blessings by Laura Story. This was the song that I played anytime I found myself alone and needing comfort. The lyrics were so true where they said, "what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near". I've grown up in a christian family and I've had a relationship with God for the vast majority of my years on this earth. Still, I have never felt God's nearness the way I have this year. I've grown stronger in my faith and I honestly feel this experience is making me a better person than before.

Let me pause here to say something important. It is so easy to say "everything happens for a reason" when we don't know what else to say. However, I simply don't believe that there was a reason my son had to die. I believe that God created a perfect world that became imperfect through disobedience. I believe that the human race has continued to sin and make bad decisions since the beginning of time and that has perpetuated the fact that bad things happen. God doesn't cause the heartache in our lives; He sees it coming and prepares us for it. When tragedy strikes and we call out to Him; He will answer us. Sometimes He gives us a miracle. Sometimes He uses the pain and heartache - if we let Him - to shape us and give us blessings we never imagined.

Chapter 5 in the Gospel of Matthew is familiar to most of us. We quote it often to remind ourselves that life won't always be easy, but God uses those circumstances to bless our lives.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Matthew 5: 3-10 NIV

One of the many blessings we have received is the courage for me to change directions with my career. Instead of working full time and creating on the side, I now work part time to focus on building my business with the goal of eventually being a work from home mom. From the moment I began designing James's Joy I started to think of other scriptures and songs that inspired me and I decided that I would create a special line for these designs. This Blessings necklace is the second in that collection. A beautiful little reminder that sometimes His "blessings come through raindrops".

What if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if Your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know You're near? What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

Blessings, Laura Story

You can find this and other Inspired designs in my shop HERE.

but I will pray for him

I did not vote for him, but I will pray for him.

If you're focusing on the first part of that sentence and you are surprised or disappointed I would love to have a cup of coffee and a loving conversation about the life experiences and beliefs that lead me to that decision. However, that doesn't matter nearly as much as the second part. 

In recent weeks my husband brought to my attention that it would be interesting to see how well we "practiced what we preached" should the election turn out this way. I've always been a firm believer that once our country elects a president we should respect and support them as our nation's leader. I'm not saying I think we should follow like lemmings, that is why we vote and write letters to our representatives and congressmen about topics we feel strongly about. I do believe that it is important our country present a united front to the world. I'm very concerned about the way our divisiveness presents to other nations. If US citizens have no respect for our President then why should they? This belief is easy to support and promote when I voted for the man sitting in the oval office. It will be much more difficult when I did not. 

So I will pray. Seventy two days from now on January 20, 2017 Donald Trump will be sworn into office as President of the United States of America. I pledge right now to myself and all of you that I will pray for him, and the men and women who are now and will be working with him, every single day until then and every day of his term. I will pray "that he may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and understanding; that he may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in knowledge of God; strengthened with all might according to His glorious power, for all patience and long suffering with joy; giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light." (Colossians 1:9-12)

I will also pray for myself and everyone else who bears a heavy heart over the results of the election. In Deuteronomy 31:6 Moses said to Israel, "Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you."

I'm not trying to glaze over my disappointments, I have many. I'm disappointed that there wasn't a candidate that I could support with my whole heart with no reservations. I'm disappointed that the person I thought was better qualified for the job did not win. I'm disappointed that despite the fact that the election is now over, our country may never be fully united again. I'm most disappointed that relationships, real person to person relationships, have been irreparably damaged as a result of this election.

So I will pray that our next President will be convicted to lead our country with love and wisdom. If he does not, God is still in control. "He is the same and His years will have no end." Psalms 102:27

I hope you will pray with me.

For such a time as this

There are things I remember from growing up with intense clarity. One of those things is the tragedy at Columbine High School. Unfortunately there have been many similar occurrences since then, including the incredibly sad loss in Townville, SC this month. Columbine, however, made a much more distinct mark on the pages of my life. That teenager targeted classmates who believed in God.

As a middle class white teenager in SC, before social media at that, I knew nothing of religious persecution aside from the long ago stories that I read in Bible or the stories told by the missionaries that visited our church from time to time. When I saw other kids just like me had been killed for professing their belief in God, it shook me to the core. Shortly after that The Journals of Rachel Scott was published and I read about one inspiring girl who died for her faith. I was so humbled by her. That was the beginning of a period when I spent a lot of time in my bible trying to find out what I was supposed to do for Him with my life. I wish I could tell you that I figured it out and stayed on that path, but the truth is so much more complicated. I don't have a story of addiction or unbelief that some do, but I did make choices that were outside of God's will for my life and I relied a lot on my own wisdom rather than looking to him.

Still, those years prepared me for this season of my life in a way I could have never imagined. The people God put in my life during that time made an impact and even when I wasn't making the best of choices those memories stayed with me. This past year we had to make choice after choice about how we would handle James's short life. We had to handle situations and people that tested us in very real ways. On this side of that I can see clearly how what I learned as a child and teen shaped the way I responded to those situations.

It makes me think of Esther. Her story has always been one that sticks with me, possibly because it was always used as a parallel for Rachel Scott's story. If you aren't familiar with the story, Esther became Queen through a beauty pageant of sorts. Her uncle Mordecai raised her and advised her in how to earn the King's favor. They were Jewish and therefore very much persecuted and discriminated against. One of the King's advisor's, Haman, hated Jews. He manipulated the King and used his power to order the Jewish people to be executed. Esther petitioned the King and ultimately saved her people. God used her position in the kingdom and her upbringing to save His people from death. This is a very simple version of a much more complicated but beautiful story. You should read it if you haven't.

I believe that everything in my life to this point was preparing me for this season. The jobs I've worked, the friends I've had, difficulties I've faced. They were all shaping me and preparing me for this exact purpose.

“Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”

— Esther 4:14

So to the girls in Acteens and Youth Group; Thank you. You taught me the hard lesson of how to ask for forgiveness when I hurt you, and showed me how to forgive when you hurt me. You supported me during a period in my life that was more important than I could know at the time. While I don't keep in touch with any of you aside from facebook, I think of you often. I hope you have found happiness and that our years in those communities had a positive impact on your life as well.

To the Sunday school teachers and discipleship training leaders that made sure we didn't just show up on Sunday, but thought about what we were learning through the week and applied those bible lessons to our daily lives; Thank you. I still hear your voices gently correcting me.

Most importantly, thanks to my family. It takes a village to raise a child and you did that. All of you played a part in making sure I was in church and learning about God. You disciplined me when I did wrong and showed me unconditional love. I saw Jesus in you.

What if God put us exactly where we are for this exact moment so that He could use us to shine His light to those around us. Esther saved a nation so sometimes it's hard for us to see exactly how it relates to us, but I see it. All these people in my life, they were my Mordecai; teaching me, shaping me and encouraging me. James's encephalocele was our Haman, trying to tear us apart. Finding the strength to carry him, that was God's light shining. I will never understand in this life why James couldn't survive and I still wish that our miracle had been bringing our son home. Instead the miracle God gave to us and to everyone who knew James or has heard his story is the ability to see the joy in the suffering. He has shown us how to find peace in Him. It is such an honor to be James's mom and see his story touch the lives of so many people.

So look around your life. The child you are raising, the co-workers you need to have patience with, the friends who sometimes hurt you without meaning to... you may be their Mordecai. Don't give up on them. Who knows, perhaps they are your Mordecai and God has put them in your life to prepare you.

For such a time as this.

#projectmended

I gritted my teeth as I raised my arms above my head and threw the black trash bag to the ground. I heard the shattering of clay and watched the bag break to release a few larger pieces of the pot. The emotional release brought me to tears. I'd been waiting six weeks to break something.

Let me rewind for you. While I was pregnant with James I read a book called "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. It was good to read someone else's story and be able to say 'yes, that's exactly how it feels'. After James was born I had a devotional, "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" that my cousin had given to me. It was another great book with stories I needed to hear and more soul screams of "Exactly!" It has always been helpful for me to have a book or devotional to help focus me in my quiet time and help me read my bible with purpose. So I did some digging and found that Angie Smith has written more books and bible studies since I Will Carry You. I decided that Mended would be a good one for me. I read the introduction and the first chapter and then set it aside. She suggests breaking a piece of pottery and gluing it back together. I wanted to do that before I got started on the book and after a couple of conversations I convinced my mom and two of my sisters to do it with me. We went for breakfast and then to Hobby Lobby with 40% off coupons in search of things to break.

We spent the afternoon around my moms kitchen table with glue guns and broken pottery listening to music, making observations (and a few jokes) about how our pieces were like us and of course crying. As I got closer to finishing my pot I made the observation that the point of impact where my piece was the most broken and impossible to completely put back together was the most beautiful part of the pot. As I said it out loud tears started to pour down my face and there was no stopping them. I didn't even realize how much I was crying at first. I burned myself pretty badly with the glue gun and realized that I'd done as much repair as I could. I was finished trying to put the pot back together. 

I'm so broken right now. I looked forward to this season as one of the happiest and most beautiful ones of our life together. I planned to take an extended maternity leave so I could soak up the hours with our little one. I should have been planning a nursery, not a memorial garden. I should be deciding what adorable onesie James is going to wear today, not picking out planters for his fountain. This, the point of impact, was supposed to be a beautiful and happy time. Now it is shattered, and I've done the best I can to put it back together, but I can't. Now I have to trust God to spill out through the cracks and show me how it can still be used for His glory.

I know He will. I know we will be better people for having walked through this season with Him by our sides. He will help us heal. We will be mended.

Gratitude

My heart is simply bursting with gratitude today as I head out to mail these special necklaces to their new homes. The generosity and support of our friends and family made it possible for us to start work on James's memorial garden this weekend. This is such a healing process for me and Jason. The knowledge that our son's short life will not be forgotten and that he has touched so many makes the heartache a little easier to bear. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."

So many have answered that call to comfort and support us using their own experiences as a guide. We are so grateful to them and to God for sending them to us. I hope that in the future we might answer the call in the same way. For now I hope that these necklaces are a blessing to those who wear them as they have been for me. Creating these necklaces and building this garden is helping us heal. We simply couldn't do these things without the love and support we are receiving.

Thank you.